As a woman, I find it very difficult, at times, to live in the moment.  I am a planner.  I am cautious.  I am constantly thinking about what I have to do next, what I’m making for dinner tonight, what I have to do tomorrow, next week, next month…you get the picture, and are probably nodding your head in agreement.  It is hard to live in the moment when you are constantly aware of, and planning for, the future. 

I have a perfect example, in my life, of this horrible flaw and the effects it has had on my life.  My husband and I have said for some time that we want four kids.  Since I delivered my third child, I’ve been pondering and planning when to get started on the “final number four”.  People ask me ALL THE TIME if I’ll be “trying for a girl”?  NO!  I have three boys and I would be completely content with FOUR boys.  If I were to have a fourth boy, there would not be a “baby #5″, I can guarantee that.  However, I have been putting a LOT (and I mean, A LOT) of pressure on myself to plan this out perfectly (like that is really possible).  In my perfect plan, I would lose about 20-30 pounds by the beginning of 2009 and get pregnant sometime between February and April of 2009.  I wouldn’t be very big during the summer, the baby would be due in the winter, and I would have at least three months to lose my baby weight before getting back into summer clothes. 

Jeez, that wears me out just thinking about it!  I finally came to the realization that the pressure of all that planning for another baby has really gotten me stuck exactly where I am and I haven’t been able to budge.  I haven’t lost a pound, despite working out rigorously.  Every decision we make as a family, I’m thinking about baby number four, etc. 

The bottom line is, I love children.  I love having babies, I love babysitting, I love helping children in need.   I’ve never really felt like I’m a “teacher”, as in Sunday school, or early childhood education in the school system.  I just know I love kids.  As I was leaving the gym a few weeks ago, I noticed a sign above the coffee station asking for anyone interested in foster parenting to please call ‘this’ number.  It certainly peaked my interest and I called the next day.  I had just missed the orientation that morning, but the lady on the other end of the line offered to do a one on one orientation with me the very next day if I was available.  Yes!  I made arrangements and went the next morning.  My husband has always been open to foster parenting and adoption, so he was looking forward to hearing about this agency.  I left the meeting VERY encouraged and excited.  This agency specializes in cases in which the birth parents are actively working toward getting their children back.  They also specialize in keeping siblings together, which means, we would almost always have two children at a time.  Suddenly, I felt a sense of purpose.  Like this is what I was meant to do.  The desire to have a fourth child all but vanished.  I came home and called my OB doctor to schedule and appointment to get on some type of long term birth control (sorry if that is TMI).  I have kicked into a new sort of “nesting mode”.  I am sorting through our things and making bins and boxes for the children that will be passing through our home in the coming months.  I was informed that some of these children will come to us in nothing but a diaper.  That breaks my heart, but at the same time, it excites me that we can make a difference in these childrens’ lives.  We can provide clothing, necessities, food, shelter, and love.  It will also be a wonderful, character building experience for my children and teach them the true meaning of servanthood.  We will be opening our home, our resources, our food, and our hearts to these children who, at the time, have nothing.  Most of our placements will be fairly short term; just a few months at a time, and then we’ll have new placements.  The process is going to take about three months to finish.  We have to take some training classes after the first of the year, do a two part home study, and acquire a few things for our home, such as a daybed and a stand-up freezer for our garage, in order to accomodate these children comfortably.  I can’t fully explain to you how this makes me feel.  I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.  A weight that I placed there myself.  I feel like I finally see a piece of my destiny falling into place.  Don’t get me wrong, I feel fulfillment everyday when I wake up next to my amazing husband and spend all day with my three beautiful, healthy boys, but this is different.  I can’t explain it.  It’s just different. 

I’ll certainly be keeping you updated as details unfold.  It seems like it will be a fairly simple process as long as I stay on top of the paperwork involved and meet all of our deadlines. 

We’re excited about this new season in our lives and I look forward to sharing more with you when the time comes.  Have a Terrific Tuesday!

~audrey